Friday, January 27, 2006

Parrots Remember What You Want Them to Forget. Lonelyhearts Pawn Shop. 3.

Podcast.

Do you ever feel pressure to do something that makes you uncomfortable? Are you ever rushed into a decision? That was certainly the case this week. A sales person wearing a black jacket and bold green shirt came into Queenly Pawn the other day and offered me the deal of my life on cat food.

"Buy 100 bags and get 150 bags free."

It sounded too good to be true, but I couldn't resist.

So, I signed the contract and took delivery of 100 big bags of Lucky Cat Catfood, and then received 150 small bags of Lusty Cat, a catnip-laced aphrodisiac for felines.

Needless to say, my life has been turned upside down. All 11 of my cats rub, maul, and try to tear open the little bags. It does no good to hide them. The cats scratch and claw in their attempts to get at them. It has even attracted a battalion of community strays. What should I do? Please send me your ideas.

Tear a small piece of paper into six small scraps. Number each scrap from 1 to 6. Then, throw them in the air, let them land, and then choose one (randomly). Read the number. Pick the prediction that corresponds. This is your fate for the week.

1- A HUGE GREEN PARROT WITH TOURETTE'S SYNDROME
You looked in the mirror and you were spouting profanity at the frightening image you saw there. Never mind that it was you. You have lost control today, and all you can think of is damage control. How do you minimize the impact? You can either muzzle yourself or simply accept it. You never know. There may be kernels of wisdom in there somewhere. At the very least, people will leave you alone once they see you talking to yourself in the mirror. Despite the chaos this will cause, you will be exceedingly lucky today. A big deal is around the corner.

2- IVORY CHOPSTICKS WITH CALLIGRAPHY
You've been thinking of tiny, delicate things to pick up with sharp, pointed sticks. This does not necessarily apply to food items. They could be trinkets, stock market tickertape, balloons, and a few fires to jump over on the first day of Spring.

3- A VELVET SLIPPER
Soft, supple, and perfect for padding about the house. You are alone, and you've been alone for as long as you can remember. You complain about a lack of companionship, but if you are honest, you'll see that you prefer things just as they are. It is perfectly okay to admit it. Now, see if you can slip out of your house without being noticed. You will need to be as invisible as possible this next week.

4- A GORILLA TRAINED IN SIGN LANGUAGE
You are running the risk of sabotaging what could be the love of your life, and you need to maintain your poise. The stars are positioned to help you, and positive energy is flowing your way. Love is triggered by a thought, not a feeling. Listen carefully and consider every word that is spoken to you. Look at the gestures, facial expressions, and the contexts of your important conversations, and realize that people communicate with more than words. Messages are not so hidden if you know how to listen.

5- A HOT AIR BALLOON
Oh glorious joy! You're sailing away, carried by the brisk breeze of summer. Where will you go? Where do you want to go? Right now, you are somewhere many kilometers away from the shore, headed toward the center of a giant inland sea. Is that where you want to be? Trackless waters are a comfortable screen - "white noise" for the eyes and the mind - but when you finally come down, will it be with a splash or a thud? The soft landing spells instant death. The hard landing means you're on terra firma and will have to go on working for a living, but at least you're still alive. Pay your bribes to the fates and the muses, say thank you, and don't look back.

6- A 17TH-CENTURY SAMOVAR
The antique crystal is cracked but still serviceable. The tea is almost boiling and you feel a sense of commitment. Friendship is more important than ever to you, especially in days of uncertainty, change, and suspicion. A friend once mentioned "trust must be earned." This may be true, but remember that friendship is given. Why are you reluctant? Give first. Take a chance. Yes, it's risky, but you will be repaid a thousand times for your generosity and patience. Your friendship is more valuable than words can describe. Remember that always.